ARVO: The Next Generation
The ARVO baby boom continues.
Somewhere outside of Zurich, the world’s oldest Swiss intern Andi and his wife Esther Amstutz just wilkommed their second son (Hey Andi, what’s the kid’s name!?). Meanwhile in Westchester County, at the Nettleton residence to be exact, “Welcome Home, Big Guy!” balloons burst with anticipation. That’s right, fan-fucking-tastic news to share…Baby Will has been released from the hospital!
With all the Netflix and chillin’ going on during quarantine, should we expect a second wave of second generation FutureBranders in about, oh say, nine months or so? And no, “self” chillin’ doesn’t count.
Back in the day, only Jim, Holmfridur and Mike Williams had kids. Sure Tom Li had a few great great grandchildren working the plotter out in Queens, but the rest of us…uh uh, no way, no how, no thanks. We were drunk and dependent free. Then the dam burst open. Maybe it was all the free [yellow tail] flowing in the office. Or maybe the Country Brand Index really was a steamy romp through data that got the strats all hot and bothered behind their buttoned-up PowerPoints.
First there was Daniel. Then Jo. Then Sam. Then Monica. Then Sam again. Victoria got in on the action. Annie, twice. Tanieka, once. John and Ann had Jack. Kim…Kim! Kim has a kid! So does James, Camilla, Naz, Jenn Sizzle-Kelly, Stella, Amanda G., Tara and Catherine. Gunnar’s got like 30 kids out in Denver. Kris Pelletier and Veronique adopted 17 kittens apiece. Word has it even Marcus procreated. Bet that’s one helluva fabulous diaper bag.
But while folks without kids are busy knocking boots, the rest of us parents shell-shocked by the last two weeks of homeschooling have sworn off sex forever. When did third grade math get THIS hard!? Is “because I said so” a valid response to student questions? Are teachers allowed to start drinking during second period?
So while there might be a huge spike in babies born around Christmas, expect the curve to flatten, oh, about five seconds later. Let’s take a stroll through the nursery to meet these new bundles of joy…
Oh look, Quae Jr. is about to say his first words…
Quae, Jr.: Wait? What?
Quae, Sr.: Wait, what did you just say?
Quae, Jr.: Wait? What?
Quae, Sr.: That’s what I’m asking you.
Quae, Jr.: Wait? What?
Quae, Sr.: Did you just say something?
Quae, Jr.: Wait? What?
Quae, Sr.: Alright, now I’m confused.
Say hello to Lloyd Jr., born after 10 hours of natural childbirth…
Lloyd, Jr.: Ewwwww. Ewwwwww. Ewwwwwwwwwwwww. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Oy vey, that’s the first and last time you’ll ever find me in a vagina! Sssseriously.
Ann Smith let John name their second son. Welcome to the world….
Grandmaster Francesco Flash Antonio Giovanni Gambino Balboa Messier Malozzi!
Look out! Here comes Beth and Doug’s daughter, stampeding her way into the first day of kindergarten…
Baby Beth: Hi sorry, Baby Beth here. Yes, that’s my dad drumming on the swing set. Listen, I’m going to need my own key to the bathroom because I pee like every 30 seconds. And also, I’m going to need stronger crayons. The ones you gave me fall apart when I POUND! POUND! POUND! them against Creepy Uncle Darren’s forehead. God, I hate everybody. E-v-e-r-y-b-o-d-y. Where’s Aunt Sam? SAM!
OH! AYE! It’s the Immaculate Conception! Or maybe Murray Ball’s boys take their time swimming upstream. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mindy’s daughter, Lil Mindelina!
Mindelina: I’ve been in there ALRIGHT, inside my mother’s HOO HAW for EIGHT MONTHS now. I’ve been in there by MYSELF, on LOCKDOWN, under HOUSE ARREST, no one to TALK WITH!!!! Finally I pressed the button. I pressed the button and said OH! MR. BUS DRIVER! LET ME OUT RIGHT HERE!!! I’LL WALK THE REST OF THE WAY. WALK AND TALK!!!. I couldn’t get cell reception in there! I need to talk to the BIG MAN! Where’s the BIG MAN!?!? OH! Now that you’re skinny I can’t find you. JIM! JIM!! JIM!!!!!! I just need 17,000 hours of your UNDIVIDED ATTENTION!
Oh joy, a bunch of British kids just moved into the neighborhood! I sure hope they like to share their toys…
Simon, Simon, Simon & Simon: Jolly good to meet you fine chaps. We’ve heard you run the most successful, most profitable, most creative, most fun to work at playground in the whole world. Congrats, mates. Brilliant work. Sorry to be a bother, but do you mind terribly if we SHIT ALL OVER YOUR sandbox?
Fellow pilgrims, another crazy week in the books. While homeschooling might be the ultimate form of birth control, our kids do bring us great joy. Just ask Catherine. Or Andi. Or Mr. and Mrs. Hardardottir. That’s right, raise a glass and let “til hamingju með afmælið” roll off your tongue, for today is Holmfridur’s birthday!